The Saga of Argc and Argv.

by Steve Baker.

On a far distant planet which had no TV,
lived two friendly aliens: Argc and Argv.
No cartoons, no movies, no game shows, no soaps,
For fun, they relied on their twin telescopes.

Argc looked at comets, Argv watched the stars,
but sometimes they both stared at Venus and Mars.
A tiny blue planet - hidden between,
held seven billion people - each glued to a screen.

One Saturday morning, the galaxies were dreary,
the comets were boring, the nebulae not cheery.
Argc took a look at the planet named Earth
and saw what the humans had watched since their birth.

Argv grabbed the scope and twiddled the dial
what he saw made him gasp - Argc had to smile.
Far down on the planet they saw some small boys,
watching the TV - some adverts for toys.

Their long search was over. They knew what to do:
get out their best Starship - for they were the crew.
Argc was the pilot, Argv was the cook.
Their test flight was perfect - all done by the book.

Argv scrubbed the lasers, Argc cleaned the rest.
The whole ship was gleaming as they left on their quest.
Through light-years they travelled at Mach thirty-three,
Argc gave the orders - Argv made the tea.

As they passed by the sun the temperatures rose,
Argv got the sunscreen - Argc smeared his nose.
They zipped round the moon, and just for the fun
Argc made it look like an eclipse of the sun.

They swooped out of orbit, their engines ablaze,
and searched for the children - it took them three days.
Though many had noticed their descent from the moon,
most experts agreed - "Just a weather balloon".

Argv leaped from the spacecraft prepared for a fight,
but no-one had noticed - it was Super Bowl night.
The aliens walked up to the house where those boys
had been staring at cartoons and adverts for toys.

They climbed through the window - they made quite a clatter.
Argc grabbed his blaster - but it didn't matter.
He needn't have bothered - the two boys had fled,
(they knew about aliens - cartoons watched in bed).

Argv grabbed the TV, Argc the remote.
they ran to their spaceship - beginning to gloat.
They powered up the star drive to Mach OxFF
and set up a course for the planet they'd left.

Argc settled down in his chair by the crater,
as Argv unpacked all the stuff from their Freighter.
With anticipation they turned on the TV,
...and blew it to pieces - two-forty, AC.

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